I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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