This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
