i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
