My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
