There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
