She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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