Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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