we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
