I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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