Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
