I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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