I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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