That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
