i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
