If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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