I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
