It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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