I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
