he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
