His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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