i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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