Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
