I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
