They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
