Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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