I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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