This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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