I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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