mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
