She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
