I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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