So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
