i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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