It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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