her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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