The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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