you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
