I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
