I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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