I want to stick my p in your. b.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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