U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
