I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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