I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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