do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
nutella sex= disaster
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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