guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
false alarm. still invincible.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
