she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
