Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
