If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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