LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
