I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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