I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He felt like a one man threesome
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
