I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
