my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
