I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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