I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
